A recent article in the Washington Post was an eye opener for me. It seems that only 20.7% of marriageable white women in the US are unmarried. It’s not the focus of the story, but I’ll come back to that.
The article says that the marriage rate in the US black population is on the decline and cites the passing in the night nature of black men and women’s maturity as it relates to marriage. The article says:
“My observation is that black women in their twenties and early thirties want to marry and commit at a time when black men their age are more likely to enjoy playing the field. As the woman realizes that a good marriage may not be as possible or sustainable as she would like, her focus turns to having a baby, or possibly improving her job status, perhaps by returning to school or investing more energy in her career.
As men mature, and begin to recognize the benefits of having a roost and roots (and to feel the consequences of their risky bachelor behavior), they are more willing to marry and settle down. By this time, however, many of their female peers are satisfied with the lives they have constructed and are less likely to settle for marriage to a man who doesn’t bring much to the table.
Indeed, he may bring too much to the table: children and their mothers from previous relationships, limited earning power, and the fallout from years of drug use, poor health care, sexual promiscuity. In other words, for the circumspect black woman, marriage may not be a business deal that offers sufficient return on investment.”
I think the above is a relevant point for all American women. Forget ethnic background for a moment. Women are forced to become more independent because most of the marriageable men our age –as the maturity scale holds true– aren’t ready to get married. That is, if we don’t get married right out of school. Then you have a new set of problems crop up. But that isn’t relevant.
What struck me about the article is that the author lends to it a sense of expectation in men that when they ARE ready to settle down women should be ready. Indeed, there should even be fanfare. It is highly ironic that by that time, women have stopped waiting for the men to come around and have carved out a life, and sometimes children, on their own. Imagine men’s disappointment when they have been overcome by events and there is no interest, much less fanfare on the part of women.
The bare truth is the institution of marriage has changed. It is no longer to support the farm or expand one’s business contacts. And though it is a long standing tradition, maybe we should be viewing it as something that is nice to have, but no longer a life step. One of our greatest mistakes is making marriage “A step.” Because then it becomes “required” and rote and expected. You are labeled weird if you don’t follow the crowd. This is truly a shame because it carries over to having children. When children become “the next step” then one’s motives need to be re-examined.
It’s no secret that I want to get married someday. But what differentiates me from most people is while it would be nice to do the get married, have babies, grow old together thing, I know that I can’t expect it. Even from Senor C. Not a dig, baby, just the way it is. You can’t settle, and if I had said it once, I will say it again: I would rather live alone than settle overmuch so I won’t be alone. We are responsible for the states of our respective lives. If you aren’t happy or fulfilled you have only yourself to blame.
This is all aside from a smaller percentage of the population whose cultures place a large emphasis on family, marriage needs a new business plan. But changing the way people view marriage and how being married affects what happens in the legislative process is a long way off. And I still blame the damn Victorians for this mess.
As a part of the 21% of white women who remain un-married, all I have to say is I may never get married; I can guarantee that I am happier having done and experienced the things that I have done and wouldn’t change it. I am also at a point in my life where I am in control and know exactly what is going on. I know my limits and I know what I can live with. It’s a very liberating feeling.
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